Matchbook Romance

I need to get a hold of myself..

2005-08-27T00:55:00.000+08:00

Never have my soul been disturbed like this..
I've been shocked to the bones..
Muscles tightened up..
My Hair stood up..
Bones moved as if grinding each other..
Emptiness flowed like blood on its own blood vessels..
I could feel my heart racing..
I could my heart pumping..
I could feel me losing control of my senses..
I find myself shaken to the point of helplessness..
I find myself hanging on with everything and nothing..

I guess

2005-03-22T22:54:00.000+08:00

I guess she thought that I shouldn't know...
That it wasn't such a big deal...
That it wouldn't hurt if I didn't know...
Well who am I anyway right?

I guess it doesn't matter now if I didn't know...
I guess I may have lost my right to know...
Well that really sucks doesn't it?

That's all I've been doing all day... guessing...
And 'till now I still can't understand a thing...
I messed up somewhere along the way...
And the sad part is...
Well... I really don't know...

I love you dear.. ^_^x

My One and Only

2005-01-16T13:42:00.000+08:00

I feel like i'm falling...
sinking into the unknown...
i've gone through this forest of uncertainties...
trying to find out who i am...
trying to find out what makes me a person...
what makes me want to live life day by day...
i'm torn up inside...
broken...
confused...
misunderstood...
and alone...

and then i realized...
i live for her...
i wanna be alive for her...
no matter how difficult this gets...
i'll be here...
for her...
my one and only...

The Art of Screwing Up

2005-01-06T02:17:00.000+08:00

I screwed up...
I screwed up big time...
There's no going back from this one...
At least that what she says...
I feel as if I could never make it up to her...
I feel as if my other knee just lost its ligaments...
I feel lame... helpless... stupid...
I feel all alone in this world... though I know that I'm not...
Yet...
I feel so alone...
No one would listen...
No one can make this pain go away...
Not even God can help me with this one...
What in the world can I do?
What should I do?
I'm stained... and this stain won't be going away soon...
I'm gonna live with this for the rest of my life...
I will never be the same to her...
She won't see me the way she did before...
I fell apart right in front of her...
She will never be the same to me...
God this is hard...
I never thought screwing up could hurt this much...
I don't think I would last either...
I love you dear... so much...
I just hope you still believe me... even just a little...

Losing my mind...

2004-12-23T02:05:00.000+08:00

I feel cold...
Chilly...
I am afraid...
I'm freaking scared...
Is it possible? Is it?
I hope not... I really hope not...
The shiver...
Its damn cold...
Why am i so scared?
I wanna scream my lungs out...
I can't...
I'm too damn scared...
I've never been this scared my entire life...
It feels like some chilly wind is enveloping me...
Somebody help me...
I'm confused...
This is going nowhere...
This doesn't seem to help at all...
This fear isn't going away... I suck...

This ain't no attempt at poetry...

This is me losing my sanity...

My Humble Wishes

2004-10-07T21:10:00.000+08:00

I wish this night would never end...
I wish I could be with her forever...
I wish that I could stop time...
and somehow spend all my time with her...
Oh how I wish I could...

Sometimes I find myself staring at her... doing nothing else but stare at her... I find her so beautiful... and I think to myself... I'm so lucky to have her... of course she's beautiful inside out... At times like these I realize, that I love her so...

Did you ever feel like not wanting to hang up the phone on someone? Well I do... It always happens when we talk... It sucks... the feeling that is... of hearing her say goodbye...

Staring at her... I realize that I really love her...
Hanging up the phone... I realize that I miss her badly...
Thinking about everything I said here... I realize that I wanna live my life with her... forever...

1 Week, 4 days and counting...

2004-09-28T01:11:00.000+08:00

It was September 17, 2004... that day of reckoning... that was my d-day... It turned out to be quite possibly the most memorable day of my life... yes I remember mentioning August 29 back in my early posts... but I would put this day on the same pedestal as that one...

Its one week and 4 days now since that fateful day... But as weird as this sounds... I feel as if its been forever... I feel as if I knew her from a long time ago... and I feel as if our relationship would go on forever... maybe I should entitle this "Forever"? anyway... yeah... there... I know I only met her this year... Actually I only know her for what? maybe a couple of months? Its so weird to think that I barely even know her... but then... I feel as if I knew her ever since we were kids... I have never had this feeling before... And I certainly can't explain it... But that doesn't matter... I like to believe that it just means... that we were meant for each other... ^_^x

Was that out of line or what?

2004-09-26T02:36:00.000+08:00

There are things in this world that I really hate... things in this world, or actions I might say, that really tick me off... Unfortunately for me, it only applies to me... These things or actions that I speak of, they actually don't annoy or irritate other people... It might be ok for them, well it is ok for them, but it's not for me... I guess I'm unique... Well I say I'm unique... but it boils down to me being a freak... considerate I know I am not... but so are other people... that was out of line... way out of line...

Well I could omit this and end my blog entry right here right now... but... hey... I feel as if I need to say more... I know no one's perfect... I know I could, I would, falter too and let other people down in the process... but... it doesn't feel good... to be let down... Should have stood up for me... Should have said something... anything... but maybe that was too much... maybe I'm asking too much... Maybe something was said... but I guess... no one wanted to hear...

It's unfair what happened... unfair to both of us... putting her in a position where she had to let somebody down... by the way, why have they been unfair towards her?... people make mistakes... leave her alone will you!... going back... then putting me in a position wherein I sort of ruined her would-be happy day... I'm really disappointed... I wanna say more... but I guess I'm too much bothered that I can't even find words, simple words, to express how I feel...

That was way... out... of... line....

To The One I Love

2004-09-19T01:35:00.000+08:00

I love everything about you

I love the complete honesty of your nature

I love the magic of your presence

I love your appreciation of beauty

I love your youthful outlook on life

I love the sensitivity of your heart

I love the spiritual goodness of your soul

I love the sweetness of your whole existence

I love you

What's this about?

2004-09-13T01:52:00.000+08:00

Lately... I kinda feel so concerned... I wanna be sure she gets home... I wanna be sure nothing unpleasant happens to her... I don't know why... so don't go around asking...

I am dreading this coming friday... I am worried... I am scared... What if she says...? ... ah nevermind... I don't even wanna think about it...

She sounded so sad on the phone? What was that about? I hope she was just sleepy... I sure hope she's doing fine now... co'z if she's not... then I'll be worried sick... like I am now... :(

Three's A Charm

2004-09-10T04:20:00.000+08:00

"Three's A Charm"

by Starting Line, The

Harder every time and it starts to show, on my face and on my wall, where all her pictures fall. Getting over a three leaf clover, that I thought was four.

It's just the same as before.

Forget me, girl, I'm still recovering from her.

It hurts so. I'm sorry, girl, I'm in no shape to love. It's not you
its her.

An absent-minded find was thought to be a lucky break, but what's at stake is only dignity. Alone I'll stand as they all dance.

I've tangoed one too many times, the floor is just not for me.

Forget me, girl, I'm still recovering from her.

It hurts so. I'm sorry, girl, I'm in no shape to love. It's not you
its her.

So take it slow, even stop every now & again when I say when, here we go.

On our way to sudden change, turn the tables to point the other way.

And I'm dismayed.

And if I stop breathing keep your arms around me.

____________________________________

(Mae-chan este el lyrics del song... nuay lang... doesn't mean anything now co'z you know how i feel bout you... ^_^x)

Bitterness...

2004-09-04T01:30:00.000+08:00

Want to scream out loud... but unsure of the words to say...
Want to forget everything... but it just won't go away...
Want to let her know... but I'm scared I might lose her...
Want to let her know... I have to let her know...

something special i thought it was...
our moments meant nothing at all...
at least... it seems that way to me...
it seems that I was mislead... or have i deceived myself?
writing this down... it doesn't soothe me at all...
I'm getting bitter... I'm getting bitter...
I thought I left bitterness behind...
but its creeping back... or maybe it didn't leave at all?

(wrote this during the time I was kinda irritated... not anymore ^_^x)

Up and Go

2004-09-01T00:57:00.000+08:00

I was starting to think that happier days were ahead of me... But I couldn't have been so wrong. Just when things were starting to look good, I get hit by some unpleasant string of events...

There are just things in life that you can't live without. Of course it's not the same with everybody. Well for me, I used to think that the only thing I couldn't live without was my pc. Well now it includes my Playstation 2. And only just recently, I realized that I too miss my motorbike a lot when I can't use it for whatever reason. Its like a part of me is being taken off...

The day started with my motorbike having some sort of problem (I'm glad I warm it up every morning). So sadly it means that I won't be using it for a while, well at least until I get it fixed. And by the looks of it, considering the things I need to buy, considering the amount of money I have, I might not have enough money to get it fixed it right away...

So I finally I get to school... What do you think was waiting for me? A physics test which came out of nowhere. There were 3 numbers and I think, I think I only got problem #2 right. So most likely, I failed the dumb test...

The only thing that was good today was my magic cards... Bought a booster pack and got a bunch of good cards... But that was it, oh and a little more...

Went home and found my motorbike still choking its engine oil... I know its stupid, but I was hoping it would have fixed itself if I left if alone... (yes, that was dumb)

Went back to school and got another problem set in my hands... I didn't even get started with my problem set for Math 232.

Like I said, the only thing good today was my magic cards. Played a couple of games... Lost one, won a multiplayer game with Amerei, third one was a mess (no one really knows who won) and lastly won the last game against a black discarder deck that's been disrespecting my angels...

And so I was kinda relieved, thinking there might be hope for this day after all. Saw her... I guess I was waiting for something to happen, but I didn't know what. I don't even know why I stayed around long enough that the guard closed the gate at the back of school just seconds before I reached the shed... I was really hoping the front gate would still be open. Really hoping... You're right. It was closed as well... It was normal for them to laugh... But I guess it just pissed me off... It was a freaking long walk with gays taking their time strolling ahead of me with their girlfriends... (I mean friends who are girls, no need to get confused here) Ok... I don't even wanna write anymore... I'll stop here... Stupid day!!! Wait I called her haha... nah forget it... ^_^x

What day is it today?

2004-08-29T02:23:00.000+08:00

This day should go down as one of my most memorable ever... Sad to say I can't share it with you people... So you might be screaming why the hell am I writing this down here. Why the hell do I keep a blog anyway... Well its her moment... Things like this shouldn't be talked about and have its meaning burned down... This day is special.. and will always be... August 29, 2004...

I know you guys/gals didn't understand a thing... Just hope I'll be in a good mood next time and maybe, just maybe, I might shed some light on things... But who reads my blogs anyway? In any case... I don't care... ^_^x

The Worst Day Ever

2004-08-08T16:17:00.000+08:00

Today is the day I remembered how it felt to be broken hearted... Yes it has been awhile now since a tragedy like this has ever befallen me... Corny ey? Live with it!

So she's got a boyfriend already... So I came too late... So life turns cruel on me...

I really believe that life is fair for all of us. You might be happy, ecstatic, blissful today. But heck don't go around thinking that it will last forever. Sooner or later life catches up with you and turns your world upside down. But knowing this fact doesn't make it easier...

Had it good last year... Life was great... No pressure, no expectations... I had a year worth of vacation in a foreign place that was oh so beautiful... But now I know why I was so happy that time... Co'z some crappy stuff was coming my way... And here I am, crying my heart out. Life's cruel side got me this time...